Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The New York Times Likes Plies

Dude must have been a real busted baby.

First, don't forget to read the post before this one. Anyway, all the top tens have been coming in (SFJ put "Hot N Cold" at #4! I'm vindicated!) and Saturday the New York Times dropped quite a bombshell. Jon Caramanica, one of their many pop critics, said that Plies's album Da Realist was the tenth best album of the year. Caradude had this to say about it:

On this, one of two great albums he released this year, Plies is staunchly literal, more of a conversationalist than a rapper. But why bother with metaphor, imagery and cadence when straight talk can be this rich?

Yeah, why bother with actually being good at what you do when you can just spit some good ol' straight talk? Sounds like something a John McCain flak would say. But Caraman doesn't seem like a complete idiot, he's got the Lox's "It's Like That" and the "They Know" remix in his top songs of the year (good choices), and he says of Carter 3, "so underwhelming, so imperfect." How true! On the other hand, he had nice things to say about Bust It Baby six months ago, which I wouldn't have thought possible. Specifically he said it was "surprisingly tender." Might want to rethink that one, kiddo. However, Caraman isn't the only guy to praise this Plies album. Noz said it was good, and you've got to respect the Noz, and Abe Beame, who I don't particularly respect or anything, but he's not stupid, thanked Noz for the pointer! Huh. So I decided I would give the thing a listen. He did have that one great verse on "Out Here Grindin" after all. But, because it's Plies, I didn't want to pollute my hard drive with his shit, so this assessment is strictly based on Youtube.


Over a gullier, less catchy version of that terrible Flo-Rida 'Low' beat, Plies raps some of the dumbest, least inspired shit I ever heard. Plies is so bored with this shit that he can't even be bothered to enunciate the last consonant on any word he says, making it a chore to decipher shit like "my goooo paranoii so pleee dough fleh, cuh ahh my gooo ayyy gah guh sensss." And it isn't a good sign when the first words of the first verse of the first song on your album go:

Couple killas on my right, couple killas on my lef

But I am a muthafuckin' killa mysehf


This song is about how he's got a lot of jewelry and feels like he can do whatever the fuck he wants and what the fuck u gon do bout it. Like a bad version of a bad Three 6 Mafia song, you know, one of those filler tracks where they don't give a fuck and lifelesly remake "Tear Da Club Up" for the 87th time, but it's still listenable because unlike this guy they have talent.


Well, Plies fucked around and made a decent song! He still can't rap, but the beat has this plucked harp sound in it, and the concept is him celebrating with random strangers who just got off probation. Which is original at least. It still would be nice, though if he could (a) rhyme, (b) switch his flow up a little, (c) get some charisma, and (d) lose that ridiculous accent that he doesn't even have in interviews. (He's also smart in interviews and doesn't talk about crackas and goons in every other sentence. It's really strange.)


How hard up is Ashanti for money? She really shouldn't be singing about how she only thinks about Plies on two occasions - when she wants it and when she needs it. Like think about how gross that is. Rihanna has really ended a lot of video models' careers, huh? As for Plies, I turned this off as soon as he started rapping. His raps about women are really pathetic. I can tell you, however, that the J.R. Rotem beat is nothing to write home about, even worse than his usual, and that, according to a lyrics site, Plies says that

  • I'm yo goon, you my goonette
  • You rubbin on Oscar, know that if you wake him up, it's gonna be problems
  • Wheneva she want it, she send Plies a text
  • When you need a refill, I'm who ya come see/ They give you 87, I give you 93

Plies has plenty money. He also asks a random 'nigga' to "take off yo' shirt," ostensibly to see if his ribs are showing. Plies - so rich that he can afford to eat enough fast food to keep his ribs from showing. He also tells some other random "niggas" that he's "somethin like their massa." See, this is the point where I get a little uncomfortable listening to some of these extra-stupid southern rappers. Other than that, though, it's a decent song for how ignorant it is, and the beat's by Drumma Boy so you know it's alright.


DJ Infamous, responsible for both Mr. Carter and the good La La, gives Plies a snoozer over which he bitches about his diseased family. AIDS, teen pregnancy, kidney problems, walking issues - the Plies's have got it all. Question: why doesn't Plies take some of that "plenty money" and take his AIDS-ridden auntie and his kidney-problems grandma to the Mayo Clinic, and while he's at it, he can take his 14-year-old sexually active cousin out of the hood and put her in a prep school where she'd be slightly less likely to get herself pregnant? Just a suggestion. Like come on, you can't go straight from bragging about going to the mall and "buyin eerything i wannid" to this shit. Oh, and Plies still can't rap.


Oh shit, Mannie Fresh produced this! Mannie, why you'd give a track to this mental cripple? You only have about twenty good beats like this left in you before you fall off for good.


It's always a bad sign when the youtube user who posts your shit is called "AkonFansChannel." Plies makes yet another heartfelt song about the injustice of our criminal justice system. You know, Plies may have a point and it's great that he cares deeply about this shit, but he really is the wrong spokesman for it. Dude can't rap at all and he makes incisive observations like "the system fucked up because it ain't sturdy." The criminal justice system is many things, but it isn't a wobbly table. At least, though, on this song every other line isn't about the poosey-ahh-crackaaa who sentence Plies's friends to prison for a hunnih yeaaa.


Plies wants someone to spend the night with him. Consistent with his pride in how he's "somethin like [other niggas'] massa," Plies is very proud of his live-in servant:

Who's that? Oh, that's my waiter
She does laundry, she cleans and she caters
She works for me 'cause I pay her
She'll take care of all of yo favors

At least he pays her.


In which Plies admits that he isn't the best rapper, but says that that's okay because to be the best rapper you've gotta tell lies, pretend to cook dope while wearing suits and ties, fantasize, and, uh, wear shades and tight jeans. Never that! Also explains that he's not lyrical, sorry b, because he dropped out of college and didn't earn his degree. Gutta! Goonery!


He's dressed in all blaaack. His niggas are straaaped. Somebody's gonna get whaaacked. He's dressed in all blaaack. He's also rapping like Juvie circa 400 Degreez on 'Gone Ride With Me.' Which is a welcome respite from his usual garbage flow but I'd rather just listen to the original. By the way, what's up with people ripping off Juvie these days? First Jeezy, now this shithead.


Uh-oh, it's about women. Plies shits on some imaginary girl's boyfriend for having a respectable job ("ain't that cute, he wears suits," Plies sneers), and asks, "before he fuck you do he finger you n eat you?" Classy.


Occasionally Plies says some slick shit on this album, but it's obscured by the fact that he sounds like he has Down's Syndrome. This song is one of those instances.


Mannie gave Plies this beat. Mannie has used this same drum pattern in the past few years about twenty times, most memorably on the first single for Lil Flip's album that never came out. I guess he thought we might forget about that. By Plies's standards, anyway, this is a decent song.


Time for Plies to rap some real shit for the goonie goo goos. Plies explains that he doesn't like to fuck with a lot of niggas 'cause niggas will fuck around and make you their co-defendant. Which makes sense, except half of these songs are about how Plies likes to hang with a lot of goons. Consistent much?


You won't believe who gave Plies this beat. No I.D. I mean, No I.D. has done work with post-retirement Jay, Bow Wow, Kanye, all kinds of talentless fucks like that, but Plies? Besides, this beat is an "I'm A Flirt" ripoff. More problematically, Plies is back to rapping about women. He brags that the AC works in his car, offers to grade the girl and give her a report card ("Your final exam - show me your wet box"), and generally makes an ass of himself. Bonus insane youtube comment on this one:

Plies may be far away from the best rapper. But I havta give it to him, he is one of the hardest working rappers out there. If he was the future of hip hop, I wouldnt be that disappointed. 3 albums in less than 18 months takes alot of work, and Plies is making hit after hit. Although his songs have decreased (Nothing will ever beat "Hypnotized") he is still good. Best rappers are still kanye, mos def, nas, and lupe, but Plies could do it in the next 4 or 5 more albums.

So a Kanye/Mos/Nas/Lupe fan thinks Plies could make it to the top in the next 4-5 albums, and says that nothing will ever beat Hypnotized. Well now I've seen it all! Anyway, this album sucked, Noz, Abe, and Caraman, you're all insane, and that's all for now.


Badmon3333 said...

It's like Master P raped Soulja Boy, and then they had a retarded baby that they forced to rap. I do like the beat for "All Black," though.

tray said...

I don't know, maybe more if Rich Boy had a kid with his retarded sister. Or Mims. I don't want to associate Master P with this mess. I don't know, I feel a little iffy about hating on a guy over his accent, but as Guru says, it's mostly the voice, and some voices just sound plain stupid.