Thursday, August 13, 2009

I Predicted Dipset Christmas

I'm packing up for law school, so you won't be seeing Part 2 of my thoughts on MJ, the rest of Cam Week/Month/Season, and a forthcoming and probably spurious compari-piece on Elvis's 'Now Or Never' and MJ's 'Give In To Me' for a little while, but as I was emptying out my desk, I found an e-mail I wrote 6 years ago in which I actually predicted A Dipset Christmas. So naturally I wanted to inform you of my sagacious wisdom. Dipset XMas was a huge disappointment (no Cam!) aside from Max B mumblesinging "fa la la la la la, a Dipset Christmas" and that stellar moment on 'Wish List' when Jim recounts Christmases selling crack and then poses this question:

Is that the proper way to spend your holidays? (NOPE!)
Locked up downstate a hundred miles away? (It's fucked UP!)

But after replaying that a dozen times it ceased to crack me up. Nevertheless, I'm proud to say that I saw Dipset Christmas coming three years avant la weedplate. In a note I wrote to some girl, I half-seriously suggested that Ja Rule's credibility was so shot that a rapper ternt sanger Christmas duets album with Ashanti could actually be a smart career move (this predated the 'New York'/'Wonderful' semi-comeback). I then suggested other Christmas rap candidates, including Master P, Mike Jones ("I'm in my sleigh, switching lanes - oh wait, it's the sky, there are no lanes!"), Jeezy (a double album - one side Frosty the Snowman, one side Santa pitching 'Christmas gifts'), Dipset ("Little girls see the toys, they're like, Oh Boy, their moms say, Cam dropped some cute outfits down the chimney, Oh Boy"), Juelz ("would you like some crack with that hot cocoa/fiends know I keep that hot cocoa/bitches like me because I sell that hot cocoa/they hop in my sleigh and drink up my hot cocoa/they eat up my chestnuts right/because they know I have the biggest chestnuts, right? (right)") and finally Nas:

This is perfect for him. He could do his stupid conscious songs where he reflects on the inequalities of Christmas. Then he could do his creepy sex raps where he could talk about fucking Eskimos and Mrs's Claus's waist-to-ass ratio. Then he could remix 'Hate Me Now' for the holidays, with Nas as Santa. Diddy would scream, Santa Season has returned! As Nas murmurs, "it's been a long time... approximately 12 months..." Then Nas would say stupid crap like, why you mad, 'cause I deliver all the gifts, and I ride in a sleigh and fucked your Eskimo bitch?

Not that funny but whatever.

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