Thoughts On We Are The World 25

I don't actually find this a whole lot more objectionable or stupid than the first We Are The World, which had some great zombie Michael action but otherwise, total garbage. This is also total garbage, but not of a higher/lower order in any way that I can discern. In fact, in a way I find it a little less rankling. The original version featured a shit ton of retarded sanctimonious Hollywood singer liberals vaguely ranting about making a brighter day, whereas this one is a lot less sanctimonious, just really stupid, and it's actually motivated by a specific cause, not some vague "let's save the whole world" nonsense. However, there are some definite lowlights and surprises.

• Jamie Foxx should never try to talk about anything serious. Here he sounds like some idiot Oscar presenter talking about how actors are the people who bring movies to life. (You know how before they give out the award they'll give these awful speeches from teleprompters about the importance of actors/screenwriters/directors to movies. Like, "tonight we honor the director. They're the ones who put everything together. They're the dreamers - but also the doers! From Navi aliens to people dying in I-raq, we saw a lot of great movies made by great directors this year." Same level of self-congratulatory stupidity going on here.)
• The kid who starts this thing off is only 15 and he already sounds like he's full of shit. There must be some 8 year old pop star I don't know of who could've lent a little sincerity to these proceedings.
• Nicole Scherzinger is here. I don't really think that a woman famous for terrible songs about what an unapologetic slut she is should be part of the cast. I guess they wanted somebody good-looking involved.
  
• Jennifer Hudson always sounds like she believes in whatever she's singing, good choice.
• This next woman has a frighteningly husky voice. Apparently she's a big country star. She makes a weird face when she sings like she's taking a shit.
• Josh Groban is the first huge douchebag on the track. You might classify him as operatic closeted metro douche.
• I was prepared to like Tony Bennett's part in a cute old senile man way but he's doing this weird self-conscious fist-pumping thing and doesn't really seem senile.
• Mary J. Blige just creeps me out. What huge shades. She's like the megalomaniac Darth Vader of hip-hop soul.
• Dead Zombie Michael sings along in split screen with Living Diana Ross. Somehow less creepy than in the original. Partly because, thanks to Diana's aging, they no longer look like twin sisters.
  
• Barbara Streisand comes in to restore a bit of the sanctimonious flavor of the original. If Nancy Pelosi ever got Hollywood to make a movie of her life, Barbara would be the perfect one for the part. Watch the disgustingly gooey way she shakes her head to confirm that it really is true that you and me will one day make a better day.
• Miley Cyrus kills. This doesn't surprise me. Aside from her lyricists making her shout out a 'Jay-Z song' about 7 years after Jay-Z's last good song, what has Miley ever done wrong? I'm serious.
  
• Enrique Iglesias sounds like a gay vampire. Really freaky ex-Latino heartthrob vibrato on the 'cries,' as in "so their cries will not be in vain." (My God this song has great lyrics.)
• Somehow Celine Dion doesn't turn in one of the top 5 worst performances. It's kind of disappointing, actually; she would seem to be the ideal candidate to do something awful on a song like this.
• Jamie Foxx's first go-around is not a disaster. (But don't worry, he gets another shot.)
• Wyclef wins the Bruce Springsteen Memorial I Will Frighten You With My Douchey Intensity Douche Award. It's hard to get a good still because his face is in such Tourettic motion, but compare:

• It's uncanny.

• It's like he's one of those greenbean plants in kids' books that have minds and faces, reaching his head to the sun for nourishment. "Ah, the sun! Photosynthesis!" And you know he had to break out the braying goat melisma tricks. We are the childre-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-en indeed.
• Adam Levine and Pink both don't embarrass themselves. Weird.
• Bebe Winans starts moving his hands around like he's trying to conjure up a "better day" with his fingers. I think I've seen wackjob gospel preachers do this on TV when I'm flipping channels.
• Zombie Michael returns. He then passes the baton to...
• Usher. The producer of this thing must have wanted to embarrass Usher because he really does pale in comparison. Between this, his annoying All-Star ditty, and his All-Star performance, he could end his career right now.
• Then the producer starts pointing at Celine to start in a sort of "unleash the Canadian mammoth-voiced hounds" manner. Celine goes "well well well well" before getting fully revved up and into obnoxious diva mode. But again, not one of the top five worst performances. I think when she's all screaming and shrill like this it kind of negates her Celineness and makes her seem a little human.
  
• Then comes Fergie who looks really fat, is wearing a strange bondage-y outfit, and cannot sing. I mean, it's like she just talks. She's had much grosser moments though.
  
• Cut to the full ensemble, and then Nicole Scherzinger, who has stripped down to a clingy white tanktop. Seriously, she's taking articles of clothing off as the save the dying Haitian children video progresses.
  
• One of the Jonas Brothers sounds eerily like Michael, if Mike had been a white teen-pop hack.
• More close-ups of Nicole! And this time she looks like she has bad gas issues. Just strange directorial choices here. Of course, this was directed by the director of the worst movie ever (Crash) so that's kind of to be expected.
  
• I can get behind Toni Braxton's guest spot.
• Lil Wayne sings into Autotune. Neither as heartfelt or as going-through-the-motions awful as it could've been. More on the plus side of the ledger.
  
• Akon turns in one of the more awful insincere bullshit performances of the night.
• I don't question T-Pain's sincerity but the way he phrases his lines you'd really think he was singing about a cute ass-shaking bartender.
  
• Jamie Foxx starts jokily imitating Ray Charles and clowning around like he's at the All-Star Game. This is no time for bad douchey humor. Gross Lowlight Of The Song Award.
  
• LL starts rapping. Along with Swizz, Will.i.am, Snoop and Busta Rhymes. LL's rapping at this point is kind of on the level of the little rapped interludes in 'Black and White.' Swizz doesn't even move his mouth. He knows this sucks.
• Wyclef emits some sort of Haitian tribal war cry. This is devolving into The Lion King soundtrack.
• More Jennifer Hudson singing, fewer tight closeups of her fat face, please.
  
• Damn, Celine has a lot of Botox.
• Uh oh, Kanye has arrived.
• More Wyclef tribal war cries. I know it's French but he really sounds like a cartoon African lion right now.
  
• Kanye seems sort of chastened by the Taylor thing; not a ton of energy. (I wonder if he's why she's not here.) But he does sort of serve as the social conscience of the whole affair, actually talking in his sung-rap bits about the actual dying people in Haiti. I like Kanye when it comes down to it, I just think he's made three straight shit albums and is deeply confused about his abilities and limitations. He means well.
  
• Will.i.am is the embodiment of retarded consciousness in black pop music. Here is no exception as he improvises, "like Katrina, Africa and Indonesia, and now Haiti needs us, they need us, they need us." Nicole stands next to him looking confused, like she entered the wrong set and is thinking, "where's the stripper pole?"
• Wyclef starts making noises. The song ends.